How could you?

How could you? This is a question I am asked many times in a given week. How could you just have a baby for someone else? How could you just be able to hand over a baby and not blink? How could you not have a bond with that baby? How could you do that? I see the look of anger on their faces as they do not understand the reality of what is to come with the journey I am in. I see the look of confusion as they do not fully understand what surrogacy is. I stand there and look at these faces; trying to explain to them what is going on and how the process works. I try to tell them that this baby is not genetically related to me in any fashion. I try to tell them it’s like extreme babysitting. I try to tell them that even though I am pregnant I go into this knowing it is not mine. I know that with every doctor appointment, every hurdle of morning sickness or even feeling the baby kick that I am not bringing this baby home. I will not go through the motions of bringing a baby home or preparing to being baby home. It’s as if you work for a daycare. You love all your daycare kiddo’s, but at the end of the day you know they must go home to their parent’s. I try to tell them any analogy to help get the point across as I know everyone learns and understands differently. Do I love this baby? Of course! Would I do anything for this baby? Absolutely! I would also do the same for my brother or sister, but do I feel like I am their mother? Not for one second. I never know how to fully answer this question. I have not had my surrobaby so I do not know what to tell them. So I try to help put them in the shoes that IP’s walk in everyday.  The shoes of hope and joy. The shoes of nervousness and being a complete mess. The shoes of happiness and outright hopelessness. The shoes that have no idea where to walk to as their path has been derailed. The shoes that some have been walking in circles in for years. No one could ever fully understand the shoes IP’s walk in everyday as everyone has their own story. No one can truly know what it means to wear those shoes until they are on your feet. I see the shoe’s in forums: “looking for surrogate,” “transfer day!,” “My family is not complete,” “…another failed transfer.” The shoe’s that are scared to name their child even though the surrogate is 35 weeks. The shoe’s that are scared to have a baby shower as they are afraid to have hope. The shoe’s that worry about HCG levels and numbers. The shoe’s that worry when the next appointment is and if you made it on time. The shoe’s that will do anything to have that perfect little baby. The shoe’s that lost it all and need a little hope to keep going. That is what I tell people.  The moment I hand that perfect, sweet baby over to its parent(s), is the moment that I’ll know that this is how I could. I imagine the surrobabies birthday all the time. I even dream about it. It won’t be a moment of sadness and regret. It’ll be a moment that I will never forget.  I imagine seeing the parents looking and holding their baby for the very first time. A smile of hope. The tears of joy. The breakdown of reality as their baby is finally here after so many years. I know that baby will be loved without a doubt. I know that surrobaby and it’s parent(s) will be ok. I know that I have a beautiful and loving little girl of my own at home. I am happy to see my intended parent(s) get the baby they have always wanted for so long. I am just honored to be apart of their journey for their baby. That is how I know I could.

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